Rush Tribute Band Tee

Call me old fashioned but when I first saw that Tim and Annie Lebowitz were “looking for a third” on Tinder I thought that they wanted someone to join them in a casual threesome. I thought they were just a Jim and Pam looking for their Dwight but it turns out they were Geddy Lee and Neil Peart looking for their Alex Lifeson to round out their Rush tribute band.

To be fair I don’t speak a word of Italian so when I read on their bio that the ideal candidate could proficiently play La Villa Strangiato I assumed that they were talking about some kind of Venetian sex act. Granted, I agreed before knowing what that particular sex act was but I’ve done some pretty freaky stuff before and I assume the skills transfer.

Needless to say, I quickly found myself playing the solo to ‘Subdivisions’ instead of subdividing ass cheeks as initially assumed.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I like Rush. Neil Peart is an amazing drummer and Geddy Lee reminds me of a nice grandma. That said, I would much prefer the Rush of being the human mattress in a passionate couple’s lustful escapades.

Hold me down and call me Tom Sawyer, daddy.

One of the worst moments was when we were booked to play at one of those Eyes Wide Shut-style rich people orgies. Literally everyone in the audience was doing the big nasty and here I was playing the intro to Closer to the Heart while wishing I was playing “Closer to the Shart,” if you catch my drift.

Butt stuff. My drift was butt stuff.

It just goes to show that you can never anticipate what life throws at you. One minute you’re scouring the Tinderverse for a dirty hookup, only to wind up spending three nights a week being yelled at by a heavyset man in an Asia t-shirt because the YYZ solo didn’t sound exactly the same as the original.

I bet the actual Rush had more threesomes than us. This sucks.

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